Hope

"Everything that is done in the world is done by hope."

How true. Everything--the good, the bad and the difficult--are all done with a hope it will go as planned, as dreamed, as predicted. Though St. Paul tells us the greatest of the three--faith, hope and love--is love, I wonder how far love could go without hope? Isn't "hope" called "good planning" or "accurate goal making" today? Don't we read that "hope is not a strategy?" But what if it is? What if it's enough?

I went to college with a blind, bright hope it would mold me, change me, better me. I married in the great hope Steve would be all I thought he was. And more, of course. I moved, bought a house, had a baby, left friends, made friends--all in hopes it or they would be what I expected or needed or wished them to be. Some did not turn out as I had. . . hoped. Others far exceeded my dreams. We go to doctors hoping they have answers, we go to chiropractors hoping they have strength, we go to priests hoping they have guidance. I actually went to Target yesterday with determined hope! "Man, I hope this works" I thought (out loud of course) as I found the Goldbond. Jacob's feet are detectable from New Hampshire. A friend once told me that all life is is "controlling our expectations." Not a pretty way to look at it, but I suppose he's right.

Steve asked me last night, while we were watching Jacob's baseball practice and Nick was home with Ellie (call it a mini-date. . .I did!), "Katie, does it ever occur to you that you can't do it all?" Oh. Right. Yeah, um, no. It doesn't. Ever. I actually don't ever look at that dust on the floor, or that dirt in the carpet, or that recipe or practice or workout or challenge and think, "Hmmm, not today. I just can't do that AND this today." He said, "With a 13 year old boy, a 10 year old boy--both in sports and after school hobbies--and a baby and a house and, can I say, a husband who all need and want your attention, do you really expect yourself everyday to do it all?" Oh man. Yes, yes, I do. I have a hard time, as many people do, accepting "less than" what I think is manageable. Allowing yourself some grace each day is not just important, it's spiritual (my friend Shelly taught me that). It's critical that we learn not just how to prioritize the necessaries but how to prioritize OUT the "can waits." It isn't failing, Katie. It's learning how to love better and live better--it's what I hope life is teaching me! How much joy do I get out of vacuuming the upstairs' landing? About as much as I suspect Steve gets from draining a puss wound. Little. But, it's part of being me right now, and that's part of being him.

My sister posted this quote recently: "Remember that you have only one soul; that you have only one death to die; that you have only one life, which is short and has to be lived by you alone; and there is only one Glory, which is eternal. If you do this, there will be many things about which you care nothing." St. Teresa of Avila. One life, one day like today, one death, one chance. This is not a dress rehearsal, people!

So, today, my hopeful prayer is that while Ellie is pulling at my shirt and her brand new shoes are getting fig newton branded into them (because her "picnic" turned out to be a tap dance class) and my washing machine STINKS because I just attempted to wash Jacob's shoes in it, and Steve doesn't really want to know about the afternoon events and how I might need his help because it makes him feel tethered, I'll find a small peace within and hear that song, "No storm can shake my inmost calm, while to that rock I'm clinging! Since love is Lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep from singing?"