I was visiting with a young priest recently. He and I have become friends, and he has been a sweet part of our family since moving to Tyler. We were sharing our experiences in the common trials and challenges of living your vocation. He as a priest and I as a wife and mother can relate to many more emotions than I first realized.
We laughed about the concept of "dying to self." That, when spoken and written of, this concept is often seen through rose colored glasses. Dying to yourself is expressed through beautiful language, lots of sacramental images and sacred descriptors. It is seen as a privilege and an honor, something you should want to do and enjoy doing everyday. When you choose (or rather follow the choice God has made for you) your vocation and you die to your individual self little by little, you expect it to be happy and liberating and energizing.
This is why we were laughing. Because it's not any of those things. It's hard. And constant. And, as Ellie says, "exhausterating." Father said something, though, that resonated with my tired little brain. It went something like this:
"The reason this 'dying to self' is so hard for humanity is that Christ knew why He was dying. He lived for that one purpose. He was born to die for us and for our sins, and He knew every moment of every day His life's purpose and goal and reason for 'dying to self.' We, as humans, do not know our life's purpose everyday and every moment. We do not always know why were are dying little by little. And it is in this not knowing that we find our faith and we find our strength to continue dying so we might live."
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So, on the day we celebrate our Blessed Virgin Mary's birthday, I ask her to continue helping me die to self. I ask her to help me be a better mother and wife and woman. I ask her to help me be gracious and graceful, humble and strong. It is a prayer with an answer that is far reaching, with lasting effects. This is a time in my life that cannot be mastered or survived without prayer. How to be the kind of mother Nick and Jacob need and want and deserve is a different challenge than being the kind of mother Ellie needs or even the kind of mother the babies need. Remembering my first calling is as wife and partner to my husband requires another kind of patience and dedication, and then knowing that caring for my health is critical to the health of my family is an additional daunting reality.
Therefore, I pray! And drink coffee. And take naps. And know that life is so beautiful, especially in the dying moments.
In honor of Mary, our Mother's birthday, I share this from Erma Bombeck:
“When God Created Mothers"
When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.
"One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."
"I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
"There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
"You are a genius, " said the angel.
Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”
When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded.
"One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word."
"God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...."
"I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed.
"But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek.
"There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
"You are a genius, " said the angel.
Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”
